BRIAN CAME HOME TODAY--YIPPEE!!!!!!

Brian came home at 3:30 pm today and he truly surprised Nikki to death. I kinda knew that he was coming back but didn't say anything to Nikki. I knew because one of his Sgt. had told his wife, then she told George, and he told me. Brian was a little disappointed that he couldn't surprise all of us but the most important ones were surprised--Nikki, Jason, and Thomas. We left Jason and Thomas with a neighbor of ours named Lynn. Alex really doesn't know Brian that well but that's OK. Nikki, Angel, Alex, and myself went to get Brian. He was one of five soldiers that came in at that time today. A couple of the news stations were there also. One of the soldiers that came home was, I do believe, an Idaho State Patrolman and I say that because there was about 5-6 state patrolmen in the little crowd at the airport and then we watched as one of them, after seeing his family, went over, shook all their hands, and hugged most of them. That was sooooo cool seeing the servicemen coming in and hearing the applause but mostly watching the reunions with them and their families. Since Brian was trying to surprise us all, he had his hat on, shades, and hot jacket (to cover up the name tag) so we wouldn't recognize him. He had to dart to the restroom first and then the lady that was organizing all of the things brought him over to us and you could almost hear a pin drop when he hugged us and then applause.

I got to hug him first but didn't mean to be the first (I was going to be the last but Nikki was in shock so I got to him first). After we got his stuff, we came home and got Jason and Thomas from Lynn's but not until Brian was able to get his stuff inside and was waiting for them to run in the house so he could surprise them. We took him to Leo's for dinner so that George could see him and while we were there, we saw several people that wanted to see him and tell him "Thank you for serving over there".

So far so good but he's just been here for a few hours. I am hoping that everything will go smoothly now and that Nikki will be better. Only time will tell on these subjects but I will keep posting updates.

Ok I am such a dork--Going on 3 hrs sleep

is not the best for me. I ended up staying up until around 2-230 am just talking to Lexie and George and then I woke up at around 5 am because I had to go potty. When I came out of the bathroom, I saw that Angel was still downstairs (she had been asleep earlier but had woke up and came down to get something to eat) so I wanted to make sure she came up to bed. While waiting for her, I started to get a tickle in my thoat and ended up coughing off and on until 6 am so I just got up then. I will go take a nap later because I know that I can't do it on just a couple hours of sleep.

I will get Nikki and Angel up in a little bit so that they can get the kids off to school and take care of the baby while I go back to bed.

I really don't know why I do this to myself (stay up late then get up early) but I do. I really need to stop doing it also.

Everything is doing ok so far this morning but hey it's because I am the only one up! hehehe I don't argue with myself so its fun.

Good night!!!!

Well so far so good with Nikki

She has been doing pretty good all weekend and then she did good in her counseling session today (or at least she said she did). She said that she just started opening up in the session and if that is true, I am very happy--mostly for her but also for us. I am hoping that this will be what she needs to be better. I am not pinning everything on just the counseling because she needs to be taking her meds everyday also but being able to talk to her counselor will help immensely.

I am willing to do anything to have the old Nikki back or the very least a Nikki that I can live with and is acceptable to deal with. Nikki can be such a fun person and a joy to be around and I wish I had that back. I can't wait to see what is going to happen now. I just can't wait to see what will happen when Brian comes back also.

Other than that, I am doing ok--until Angel and Nikki have to bicker (man they can bicker like an old married couple at times). They each like to get each other going and then one or the other will keep it going. Man I wish they could get along better and not fight because that is a lot of my stress also. When I can get everyone to get along then I will be doing really good.

Brian and Nikki are going to go to counseling when he gets back--both individual and marriage. I hope that they can get things back on track in their marriage.

I would like to do some counseling with George to get him to open up more to me or at least be able to understand him more but its not as important as Brian and Nikki. I would also like to do some family counseling because there are issues within the family that could really use some help.

Well that's all for now because the grandkids are just going bananas and I need to get some control over them.

Updating on Nikki situation

Well when George got home last night, he asked Nikki for her decision--whether she was going to BHC (Behavorial Health Center), Blackfoot South (mental institution), or moving out of this house--and right off she was on the defensive and said she was moving out and commensed to stomp up the stairs and start to pack her stuff up to leave.

In the meantime, I was talking to Lexie and George, listening to them go on and on about making her make that decision and etc. When they were done, and George and I were alone for just a few moments, I got to talk to him and voice my true opinion about all of this. I told him that I don't feel like she needs to be treated so bad by them basically and I know what is going on with her, or at least a good portion of it, and if he remembers right that she was like this (but not to this extreme) last year when she knew Brian would be home for a visit--she is getting apprehensive about being around him all the time because she knows that she will have to deal with him and have to get into the real issues within their marriage. After I told George that, he called Nikki into our room and I got her to talking just by telling her that I understood how she was feeling and being compassionate to her and NOT yelling at her like they were doing. She started to open up a little and got the channels of communication open for the good and not the bad.

When Brian came home last Nov., before his Guard Unit was sent over to Iraq, she was nervous about seeing him and she was like this so I know what is making her be like this, or at least part of it, and there is other issues also that they both need to deal with when he gets back. Brian has already started to see a counselor while over there and will continue when he comes home. Nikki will start seeing her counselor again starting this coming Monday and they will start marriage counseling when Brian gets back. I know they can make their marriage better (and themselves for that matter) with the counseling and I also understand that it takes them to WANT to make it better for it to truly work.

Nikki has been a delight to be around today and that is all we want. We truly do want the best for her and maybe I'm being naive but I don't feel that you need to yell at people all the time to get your point across. Growing up, both Nikki and Lexie didn't have a mother that gave a damn about them or what they were doing so when they came to live with us (ones that DO give a damn) its been really hard for them to comprehend that someone will "go to bat for them" whenever someone is trying to hurt them and such. Lexie and I have had our blow-outs and such but I think that she is understanding and appreciating me now more and also appreciating have someone "in her corner" when she needs it because her own mother was never there for either one of them.

Anyways I hope that we are on our way to a better time around here but I won't hold my breath for a while just because I know my family better. hehehe I will pleasantly be surprised if things stay pretty calm and Nikki will stick with the counseling and LET IT HELP HER!!!!

After all is said and done I just might try going to a counselor so I can talk about a few things myself. I am NO WHERE NEAR needing one like Nikki but it never hurts having someone outside the situation (an unbiased opinion) to listen and give advice.

Ok I know that I haven't posted for a few days sooo

on with the story. Well Nikki is at it again. She left again last night (this time just for a walk to clear her head) but we did call the police b/c she did threaten to hit Lexie, Angel, and myself, she threw her wedding band at us, and she lunged at Lexie. She also said that she would be better off dead--she might as well go kill herself, etc.--she did this in front of her sons. Jason, the 5 yr old, had been crying and wanting his daddy so she told him that she didn't want to hear him say Brian's name and if he didn't stop saying his daddy's name that she was going to come knock his head off. At this point, Lexie lost it on Nikki and finally had to say the one thing that she didn't ever want to tell her sister--that she was a terrible mother. Lexie also said to her that she has been taking care/cleaning up after her for years and she was done. She loves Nikki and it really hurts her when she does this to us but mostly to her kids.

I think that the boys are kinda getting used to mommy's "wig-outs" because they weren't really crying like they used to and Jason said that he needed to run upstairs and fight with mommy. My heart just sank when he said that. Jason is only 5 and he doesn't need to deal with things like this at such an early age, well none of them do but sadly they are. We are just trying to be there for all three boys and loving them like they need to be loved.

This has been one of the most heart wrenching things that I have had to go through in my life. I hope that we can just get Nikki the help that she needs so that she can once again be a wonderful part of her sons lives.

I had asked my husband, George, last night "where we went wrong?" and he lovingly told me that we didn't--I felt like some of it was my fault but I know that its not. I have just been so stressed and its taken a toll on my health somewhat because all I want to do is sleep after being up only a few hours in the morning but I have to fight myself until late afternoon most days before I take a nap. I make sure everything is taken care of for the boys before I do and usually I take Alex, 2 yr old, with me because he needs one also. I just don't know how much more I can take of this but with God's help, I will be able to do it somehow.

I just don't know what else to write because its just so jumbled in my head so I will close for now.

Man am I tired today--I just can't stay asleep at night

and it really bugs me to death. I am just really tired these days mostly then when I do have a day that I really have the energy to get things done, Angel and Nikki have lazy days. We all need to get on the same page to get this house all done. George has tomorrow off as of now, and he better keep it off, so maybe we can get most of the stuff in this house done. I have been slacking off just as much as the kids do so I know its not all their fault that the house isn't done.

I am glad that Nikki is back and I don't want anything to make her want to leave again least of all Lexie.

CKMB just isn't as fun anymore. Maybe I'm just being overly sensitive because I try to post things and get no responses. It really hurts to see that other people post things and get a lot of responses and then I post something to only get a couple of responses. It used to be a really fun place to go and get away (for just a little bit) from the everyday things but now it just doesn't seem as friendly. It probably is just me. I would really like people to come see my blog but when I post, no one will post responses on my blog if they do come see it as they won't even post on the board that they have seen it. I will just have to deal with things on my own I guess.

If anyone reads my blog, please leave me your comments no matter if its good or bad. I can learn from my mistakes.

Thanks for reading.

Yippee Nikki came home last night

Well I finally got Nikki to come home last night at around midnight--I went and picked her up at Julians house. She came home, put her stuff up, and then was going to go straight to bed but we convinced her to come down and spend a few minutes with her sons before we all went to bed. Yes I know that the boys were up very late but when she was coming home for sure last night, I let them stay up to see mommy. I am very happy that she came home and I think she is glad to be home. We will work on our relationship again and to begin the process George is going to take her out this Thursday night Oct. 13th for some daddy/daughter time. He wants to take that special time with her to go somewhere to talk or just drive around but most importantly to spend that time together just the two of them. I hope this will start the process of healing with everyone.

Nikki was adament that Lexie not be around so I did agree to that for now. I know that Lexie was a lot of help this past week while Nikki was gone, but I just can't be having her start things with Nikki to make her leave again. I hope that we can convince Nikki that we are on her side with most things with Lexie--Lexie does like to try to stir things up at times. We are not going to let her worm her way back in just to start crap again with Nikki or with us. We are wise to Lexie's ways (well her dad is now, I always have been) and won't let her mess things up again.

I have wanted George to take Nikki out for that special time for a long time and I'm sad that it took her leaving to get it through his skull but at least he is going to try to do better. I think that if he can get her talking to him, then they will have a better relationship. She has been very jealous of the relationship that Lexie has had with him but its just because Lexie is more outgoing/outspoken and will tell George off when Nikki won't. George very much at one time did put Lexie before the rest of us (when he was hanging out a lot with Scott) but since Lexie moved out to Scott's house, he has really seen and understood what she was doing. He has really seen her deceitfulness also and he knew what I was telling him was correct and everything wasn't all my fault. Anyways that's a whole different story for another post or two but not one that I really want to get into right now--hehehe.

I am just glad that we have her back and we will make it better here for all of us. If we are all willing to listen to each other and do our parts then everything will be better.

Well I gave Nicole until 9 pm tonight to let me know

if/when she was coming home to her kids but when I hadn't heard anything by 8:55, I called her b/c I had to know what was going on so I can make arrangements accordingly. She said, after my repeatedly asking her, that NO she wasn't coming home she thought. Her thinking was that its just going to go back to the way it was before--her doing everything and always being left with the kids (which was totally NOT the TRUTH)--and I told her no it wouldn't but she doesn't want to listen. She would rather be there without her kids than to be here and see them and help take care of them. Her mind is sooo focused on all the negative that she won't see all the positive things she has going. Well that is her decision and although we don't like it, we will have to deal with things the best we can.

I am thinking that we will have to have Brian come back early but I don't know for sure right now. I am just so hurt/furious/ whatever you want to say right now but I will be strong for the boys--I have to be. I really don't know what to do right now. We will just take it one day at a time and do the best we can.

I talked to Nikki last night

She wants to come home but not if Lexie is here. She is soooo mad/furious with Lexie that she won't even come home to be with her boys and that's gotta change. I WILL have Nikki home here with her boys even if that means that Lexie has to not come around for a little bit. I really hate to do that to Lexie but I need to think about these three boys first and foremost and they need their mommy with them (especially since she has been here for them since we got them almost 2 years ago). I told Nikki that she needs to deal with Lexie and figure things out between the two of them because I'm not going to see these boys hurt like this again. George and I agree on one thing in particular--if Nikki does this again, that will be it for her with us. These boys have been hurt too many times--by being taken two times for Jason and TJ, once for Alex, daddy being deployed, and now mommy doing this, so we won't play the games anymore with Nikki. Either she will be here with them or not--we are not going to have the boys on an emotional rollercoaster anymore. We can deal with the fact of her never coming back if we have to but this guess and by golly stuff is NOT going to happen.

Nikki is upset with Lexie for a lot of things and that might be but that doesn't give her the right to leave her kids. I think Nikki thinks that she is going to come home with all theses ultimatums for us but she is sadly mistaken. Let me rephrase that--there are some things that we will change but there are also things that she will do when she comes back that she wasn't before she left.

When Brian comes back, I don't know how everything will work out but we will have to do something other than be in this little apartment--3 bedroom for 7 of us gets a little small at times. At one time, Brian and George were talking about us all getting a house together so that Brian and Nikki can be with their boys all the time but I don't know how that will play out now. Brian and Nikki need to really deal with all the bad stuff in their marriage when he gets back and then decide if they will stay together or not. Hopefully they will stay together but that is for them to decide.

Well that's about it for now but I'm sure that I will have some later.

Today is Alex's 2nd birthday

We still haven't received a call from Nikki about seeing him for his b-day and I don't know if we well let her either. Brian did call to talk to him even though he didn't have much time and was being told to get off the phone--he wasn't on the normal phones but on the timed ones. It's pretty sad that daddy being half way around the world can call him but mom, who is in the same town, can't even muster a phone call. I know that the day isn't over yet but come on, she knows what today is.

Anyways other than the trouble with Nikki, things are going ok. The boys are being pretty good considering everything that is going on. We are trying to potty train TJ now and hopefully we can but I'm not holding my breath. He has woken up dry the last few mornings or rather kinda dry and so we are going to start the process. Angel has put some "big boy" undies on him today so we will take him up to the potty every 1/2 hr or so to get him to start learning the idea of potty training. It will be very nice when TJ gets potty trained so that we will cut down on the amount of diapers to buy and also we can start soon to get Alex potty trained. TJ will turn 4 on November 19th so it is time for him to be trained.

Angel has been a godsend to me and I am soooo glad that I have her home with me otherwise I don't know what I would have done if she was in Eagle Rock, and not being homeschooled, when Nikki left. Angel has also had to put up with a lot from all of this and I am eternaly greatful to her for stepping up even more and helping me with the boys. Lexie has been staying with us these last few days to help also, she didn't have to, but she loves these boys with all her heart and would do ANYTHING for them.

I am going to close this post because I'm just getting too mad/sad/upset/depressed whatever you want to put in there to think about all this right now. I'm going to go spend time with my boys--hug them, squeeze them, and play with them. I love these guys sooooo much that I couldn't love them any more if they were my actual children.

More news about stuff with Nicole

Ok so after all that above, the officer did call back yesterday morning to see if she had contacted us, which she had, then he went over to see her and her friends to make sure that nothing bad (or illegal) was happening there. He did make the two guys that she calls friends aware that she was bipolar and on meds for it and if she doesn't take them, its not going to be pretty. They had no idea about this. Get this the one is on probation and so really doesn't want to have any trouble b/c his probation officer will be called. The officer talked to some of the neighbors and found out she was definately staying there and that everything seemed to be fine--no funny business going on or anything (thank you). He also talked to Nicole and asked if she wanted to come home b/c he would give her a ride home but she didn't at that time so he left her there. The officer had called me while waiting for the two guys to come back from getting a big screen tv and after talking to Nicole to let me know what was going on. I did thank him for all his help with this situation. After all of this, Nicole called me very upset with Lexie and was yelling at me but I put a stop to that and told her to talk to Lexie and not me b/c I didn't do any of this, I gave Lexie the phone and she tried to talk to her but somehow Nikki's cell phone went wacky or something and so they didn't really talk.

If all this wasn't enough, last night when my dh was driving home from work, he got run off the road in an underpass--the passengers mirror was shattered and he hit the wall--so when he got home, we called the police b/c his life had been threatened the night before by one of the guys Nikki is staying with. The guy had said to Lexie on the phone the night before that if my dh didn't back off and leave Nikki alone then he would get his dad and cousin after him and c*t his h**d off. Lexie was shakin up (as was I) after hearing that and so when dh got home and told us, she immediately called and had an officer come over. Dh took him outside to see the van and he took the report but since there wasn't any paint, he couldn't do much but at least its on record.

I ask that you keep us in your prayers that we can get this resolved quickly and that Nikki will decide what she wants--either to be with her kids or be with those so called friends. I forgot to tell you that her dh (my sil) called yest morning--after reading my email--and I gave him a friends cell phone # to try to get ahold of her. When my dh talked to Nikki last night, she said that she did talk to Brian and kinda was like she was going to "string him along" in a way and dh told her No she won't. We (dh and I) have known Brian (sil) for 14 years and love him dearly also. Brian was our roommate before we even had contact with the girls so there is a history there that won't be broken either.

If you are still reading this, I want to really thank you because this is long and complicated but I needed to get it all out.

Oh man things with Nikki are just getting more

complex as it progresses. Lexie ended up calling the police about the situation with Nikki. We had an officer come out and talk to us last night. He couldn't do anything about her leaving (which I already knew) because she is 22 years old and a legal adult. He also did tell us that if she hadn't contacted us by 11 am this morning, then he would go and check out where she was staying to make sure she was ok and not in harms way. Apparently though the officer knew this apartment and the two guys Nikki is with because of being called there before about complaints from/for other things.

I also got a call from Brian this morning and he is trying to contact her to talk to her. He left a message on her cell phone but is trying to get to her through Connie and Tasha Mardhyl since Tasha used to live where Nikki is now. George talked to Connie at Wal-Mart last night and she had him call Tasha--man was she upset with Nikki and the others. Tasha is going to look into this situation and do what she can to help it.

I am just at a loss for what to do and how to feel because it has hurt me so bad with all of this. Lexie is so furious now because of everyone involved and being hurt, I am getting hurt the very worst. It really means a lot to me that Lexie feels that way about me. She has been hurt with everything with Nikki but she sees that I am being hurt worse than her. Before Lexie never would have seen that.

I have been and will continue to pray for my sweet little boys to not be too hurt, affected, etc by all of this. They have been so hurt already from being taken from mom and dad by health and welfare before not once but twice for Jason and TJ and once for Alex, that they have had to deal with a lot for being 5, 3, and 2. I just don't want them to grow up and have been tramatized by all of this drama. I will never, ever forgive Nicole for doing this to them.

Well Nikki did it--she left after everything last night

and TJ and Alex had to watch her walk out because they were still up. TJ wouldn't go up to bed without mommy and Alex is just a night kiddo. I thank the Lord up above that Jason wasn't up because we really would have had a nasty scene.

George was getting ready to take Lexie home when he went upstairs and found a bag sitting at the top of the stairs. He asked who's bag it was and Nikki told him in was hers so he proceeded to through it down the stairs. When he came down, he opened the door and told her "If you want to leave then here's the door". She finished up doing a couple of things then got her pullover sweatshirt on, grabbed the bag and walked out the door. I asked him to try to get her to go with him to take Lexie home and talk to her but at first he said he wouldn't but then they stopped her down by the bank and tried to talk to her separately but nothing doing. George tried for 20 minutes out in the rain but all she kept saying is "I made a mistake". I'm not for sure what she meant by that but hopefully when she comes back, she will explain everything.

Lexie called me after she got done talking to Nikki and she was just bawling because she couldn't get through to her sister like she could in the past. All I could tell her is "I know, I know".

I just don't know what more I can handle but I have put it into God's hands to work it out somehow. I do hope that she will call us or come home soon.

I am still sooo frustrated

with my girls but I just need to get up and do the things myself because nothings going to get done if I don't do it. Nikki had to go for a walk today or she was going to "lose it" on people but that was about 5 hrs ago and she is still not home. I have called her and asked her to come home so that we can get the kids fed, bathed, and to bed but nothing. She says that she will be home pretty soon but she's having to much fun and doesn't want to come home. I don't blame her for wanting some "me" time but we need to schedule it a little bit better than just that she is going on a walk that same day. George just got ahold of her and she wants to know "If she comes and gets a lot of housework done, can she stay at her friends house?" NO WHAT THE HELL WAS SHE THINKING She has boys to help with and who know what time she would be back tomorrow if we did let her go. The answer will be--NO YOU CAN'T STAY OVER WITH A FRIEND. She is really getting on my nerves and she just wants to try to "recapture" some of her youth b/c she started having babies to early--she got pg with Jason at 16 years old. She sees Lexie able to go with friends and wonders why she can't. WELL DUH Nikki, she doesn't have kids so she's able to go with friends pretty much when she wants. I can't talk about Nikki anymore right now because I am sooooo angry with her.

I am just going to sign off before I do something I will regret.

Have you ever felt like you didn't want to be here anymore

Well I have and do so a lot especially when my girls won't get up and do anything. All I get is "Sorry" but SORRY DOESN'T CUT IT. I ask them to start on stuff in the house while I go run errands, put kids down for naps, etc. and all they do is sit and watch TV. I am soooo at a loss for what to do to get them to get stuff done. I do help them do some stuff when I feel like I can but when I start and get really going, they won't do alot so I have just not been doing anything.

I am going to go for now because I can't even see the screen b/c of tears rolling down my face.